I thought silence was the worst greeting to get after you
finish your turn at the mic at karaoke bars. But these jackals were malcontent,
unwilling to suffer unspoken, but instead chastised me with sardonic “Good
jobs!” and “Sing louder, we like when you sing louder!” Their word twists the
knife plunged into my side.
Or who knows, maybe since they’ve never heard the tale of the scarlet woman and her love removal techniques, and my rendition deserved praise since there’s nothing to compare? At least Billy Duff’s excellent guitar work was unmarred by my warbled vocals and gut-wrenching crack in the high register of my limited voice. I’m talking ‘bout love remover. Love Removal Machine (by The Cult). Only my pops would appreciate the song. I’d have rather sung about blaming that Fire Woman, but when the DJ’s selection of Post-Zeppelin sash-wearing chest-baring hard rock bands with singers who look like the lovechild of Val Kilmer and Steven Tyler is limited to just this one song, I can’t always get what I want. Oh wait, wrong band.
It’s Tuesday night, which means it’s karaoke night at Snicker’s in Chisholm, led by DJME’s sole owner, operator, and miscreant Jamie (at least until the tequila kicks in and she tags in Thor). In religious attendance are the usual cast of characters, most of whom have not been bestowed nicknames, so here goes:
Thor: I’m glad to say I cannot take responsibility for this nickname, but apparently it is said he swings a mighty hammer. However, in public, Mjolnir is not this suited stud’s weapon of choice. Instead you’ll find him wielding the closest thing to a lightsabre we can legally import to the US. This awesome laser was purchased by…
Peepers: Thor’s girlfriend, and provider of dangerous yet ultimately awesome birthday gifts. She’s mostly a no-nonsense, down-to-earth girl with a strong ability to deal out the punch lines in our drunken banter, and when things go too far (usually courtesy of your hero and protagonist, moi) she can deal out physical punches as well. Named such for her bright eyes prominently lined in makeup and often changing colors in photographs, thanks to Photoshop.
Tits: Out of all the girls with gargantuan breasts there, Tits is the most unashamed – no, they are all unashamed. Maybe she just likes to display them more. Maybe I just don’t know any other nicknames for her and I wanted someone named “Tits” in my blog. Tits is more than just mammories, though. She plays World of Warcraft, likes to drink, and she made me drive her car in the cities, which sucked because her headlights point straight down to the road and I had to tailgate a semi just to piggy-back on its lights.
Bighouse: The only member of this cast that I’ve known for about 10 years now, since college introduced us through nerdy pursuits like Magic: the Gathering. This stout singer enjoys making people lose The Game when he’s not singing the best Cee-Lo Green this side of Christina Aguilera’s comically large chair on The Voice. He’ll also occasionally Rick Roll the bar, light a fire in the disco, or fill you in on the latest details of his upcoming wedding to…
Goody: or, soon-to-be Mrs. Bighouse, a huge Doctor Who fan who will sing her one song and then spend the rest of the night hanging out and laughing distinctively.
There’s more, but that’s the core crew and others will get introductions as they appear.
Now how about yours truly? I could go on in great and varied detail about my favorite topic: myself. I won’t, because like my belly, my reputation tends to precede me. I’ve been attending life for 29 years (I plan to live forever, so far so good) and karaoke at Snicker’s for 5 of them. I’ve only recently taken to singing songs that I’m good at, as opposed to ironically singing goofy songs with a group of people. I’ve seen the comings and goings of bartenders there, the kindling and burning out of relationships (including one of my own) there, I’ve seen drunks 86’d and tables flipped. It’s not quite my Cheers, but it’s a close second. I’m more rounded a person than just drinking and singing, though; I jam at home on my guitars, I play nerdy games like the aforementioned WoW and MtG, and I play more socially-acceptable games like Cards Against Humanity and pool (8- and 9-ball leagues). To round out my dorky character, I work in IT, love Star Wars, have read Lord of the Rings umpteen times (at least over a dozen times). I usually listen to metal music and occasionally independent hip-hop, attend concerts, and play air guitar in my truck often.
My skills in language and composition are rarely tested, though I once took pride in my works of fiction throughout my schoolboy days. However, one of my (wait, let me borrow one of your myriad baseball hats and put on a polo – popped collar – to say this) “bros”, Frank, sculpts words weekly over at kinkedslinky, and between his sensational reviews of Minneapolis-area restaurants and funny retellings of the goofy situations he and his lovely wife find themselves in, you’ll find some of the most heart-warming stories of family, friends, and the love gained and lost between them. Each time I soak in his words, they become inspirational fuel for the fledgling flame that is my writing “career”. Maybe if I keep this up regularly, I’ll become half as good a writer as he.
What do I hope to accomplish here? I’ll let my last text to Frank explain:
“I wish I had enough to write about but weekly posts of ‘karaoke again, I sang and people gave forced praise through gritted teeth. Also I flirted with that one chick and she mentioned something about snapping a picture of me to submit to one of those online predator databases’ just isn’t enough.
Well, maybe it is…”
So yeah, maybe you’ll get to read stories of the awkward social life of a person who learned how to be romantic from Corey in Boy Meets World (young Corey, not the older Corey who scores that hotty Topenga). Maybe you’ll get to read about how my pool team won first place in our division this year. Maybe you’ll get to read an amateur psychological study on alcoholism as this wacky crew goes to karaoke or other bars weekly.
Or maybe you’ll give up after these thousand words. I can get wordy, but future posts will be a bit briefer. There's a plethora of stories to be told about last night alone, so I'll parse them out in measured rations for you.
I plan on becoming better at ending my posts than Frank. So far, no good.
Or who knows, maybe since they’ve never heard the tale of the scarlet woman and her love removal techniques, and my rendition deserved praise since there’s nothing to compare? At least Billy Duff’s excellent guitar work was unmarred by my warbled vocals and gut-wrenching crack in the high register of my limited voice. I’m talking ‘bout love remover. Love Removal Machine (by The Cult). Only my pops would appreciate the song. I’d have rather sung about blaming that Fire Woman, but when the DJ’s selection of Post-Zeppelin sash-wearing chest-baring hard rock bands with singers who look like the lovechild of Val Kilmer and Steven Tyler is limited to just this one song, I can’t always get what I want. Oh wait, wrong band.
It’s Tuesday night, which means it’s karaoke night at Snicker’s in Chisholm, led by DJME’s sole owner, operator, and miscreant Jamie (at least until the tequila kicks in and she tags in Thor). In religious attendance are the usual cast of characters, most of whom have not been bestowed nicknames, so here goes:
Thor: I’m glad to say I cannot take responsibility for this nickname, but apparently it is said he swings a mighty hammer. However, in public, Mjolnir is not this suited stud’s weapon of choice. Instead you’ll find him wielding the closest thing to a lightsabre we can legally import to the US. This awesome laser was purchased by…
Peepers: Thor’s girlfriend, and provider of dangerous yet ultimately awesome birthday gifts. She’s mostly a no-nonsense, down-to-earth girl with a strong ability to deal out the punch lines in our drunken banter, and when things go too far (usually courtesy of your hero and protagonist, moi) she can deal out physical punches as well. Named such for her bright eyes prominently lined in makeup and often changing colors in photographs, thanks to Photoshop.
Tits: Out of all the girls with gargantuan breasts there, Tits is the most unashamed – no, they are all unashamed. Maybe she just likes to display them more. Maybe I just don’t know any other nicknames for her and I wanted someone named “Tits” in my blog. Tits is more than just mammories, though. She plays World of Warcraft, likes to drink, and she made me drive her car in the cities, which sucked because her headlights point straight down to the road and I had to tailgate a semi just to piggy-back on its lights.
Bighouse: The only member of this cast that I’ve known for about 10 years now, since college introduced us through nerdy pursuits like Magic: the Gathering. This stout singer enjoys making people lose The Game when he’s not singing the best Cee-Lo Green this side of Christina Aguilera’s comically large chair on The Voice. He’ll also occasionally Rick Roll the bar, light a fire in the disco, or fill you in on the latest details of his upcoming wedding to…
Goody: or, soon-to-be Mrs. Bighouse, a huge Doctor Who fan who will sing her one song and then spend the rest of the night hanging out and laughing distinctively.
There’s more, but that’s the core crew and others will get introductions as they appear.
Now how about yours truly? I could go on in great and varied detail about my favorite topic: myself. I won’t, because like my belly, my reputation tends to precede me. I’ve been attending life for 29 years (I plan to live forever, so far so good) and karaoke at Snicker’s for 5 of them. I’ve only recently taken to singing songs that I’m good at, as opposed to ironically singing goofy songs with a group of people. I’ve seen the comings and goings of bartenders there, the kindling and burning out of relationships (including one of my own) there, I’ve seen drunks 86’d and tables flipped. It’s not quite my Cheers, but it’s a close second. I’m more rounded a person than just drinking and singing, though; I jam at home on my guitars, I play nerdy games like the aforementioned WoW and MtG, and I play more socially-acceptable games like Cards Against Humanity and pool (8- and 9-ball leagues). To round out my dorky character, I work in IT, love Star Wars, have read Lord of the Rings umpteen times (at least over a dozen times). I usually listen to metal music and occasionally independent hip-hop, attend concerts, and play air guitar in my truck often.
My skills in language and composition are rarely tested, though I once took pride in my works of fiction throughout my schoolboy days. However, one of my (wait, let me borrow one of your myriad baseball hats and put on a polo – popped collar – to say this) “bros”, Frank, sculpts words weekly over at kinkedslinky, and between his sensational reviews of Minneapolis-area restaurants and funny retellings of the goofy situations he and his lovely wife find themselves in, you’ll find some of the most heart-warming stories of family, friends, and the love gained and lost between them. Each time I soak in his words, they become inspirational fuel for the fledgling flame that is my writing “career”. Maybe if I keep this up regularly, I’ll become half as good a writer as he.
What do I hope to accomplish here? I’ll let my last text to Frank explain:
“I wish I had enough to write about but weekly posts of ‘karaoke again, I sang and people gave forced praise through gritted teeth. Also I flirted with that one chick and she mentioned something about snapping a picture of me to submit to one of those online predator databases’ just isn’t enough.
Well, maybe it is…”
So yeah, maybe you’ll get to read stories of the awkward social life of a person who learned how to be romantic from Corey in Boy Meets World (young Corey, not the older Corey who scores that hotty Topenga). Maybe you’ll get to read about how my pool team won first place in our division this year. Maybe you’ll get to read an amateur psychological study on alcoholism as this wacky crew goes to karaoke or other bars weekly.
Or maybe you’ll give up after these thousand words. I can get wordy, but future posts will be a bit briefer. There's a plethora of stories to be told about last night alone, so I'll parse them out in measured rations for you.
I plan on becoming better at ending my posts than Frank. So far, no good.
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