Not by the hair on my chinny-chin chin!

An uncharacteristic knocking roused me from my lazy lounging on a Sunday afternoon. Rarely does the front door get used, lest I order delivery food. This soft knocking belied an apprehension in my unbidden visitor's tentative fist.

I clambered out of bed and paused my movie - The Expendables 2, which is a fun romp through my childhood nostalgia - to greet my guest. I realized all too late that my black tank top and baggy plaid cargo shorts presented a less than flattering first impression of myself. Not to be outdone by my laundry-day uniform, my hair was practicing being understudy to Gary Busey's mugshot mess. The door was already opening, no turning back now, I just hope it's not the Swedish Bikini Team bus from Dumb and Dumber...

I was greeted by an unsure question by a woman near my age. In the car on the street sat a younger girl, presumably a daughter. The knocker stood on the step below the door, practicing the manners one employs so as to not seem to be pushing through the door and intruding into the house. At least she's not selling vacuum cleaners.

"Is this place for rent?"

Flashed through my mind was the recent vacating of two bedrooms in my home. Barely had anybody moved out (and in fact I still housed my former roommate's possessions in the garage) and I had inquiries to the rooms. Perhaps Myth mentioned it to someone he knew and trusted that I had a vacant pair of rooms. Maybe he was just trying to help me fill them and gain some income. Nah, I wiped the ludicrous thought away. I'm enjoying my solitude and freedom. I didn't plan on renting the rooms out for a while, nor have I led anyone to believe that I did.

"It's on Craigslist for rent, $800 per month."

I informed my front door caller that I in fact owned the house, and have for 15 plus months now, and that no, the rooms nor the house were for rent.

"This is the third scam today!" she exasperatedly exclaimed. "You didn't put it up for rent?"

I again denied all involvement, and declined her further offer to show me the posting. After seeing her off, I loaded up the Duluth/Superior Craigslist housing ads, and it didn't take long to find mine:

THE BIG BAD WOLF WON'T BLOW THIS ONE DOWN!

Brick walls: check
3 bedrooms: check
2 baths: check
2 fireplaces: check
plenty of storage: check
photograph of my house: check

This ad mirrored the realty listing I had found when I first looked at the house! The photo was easily identifiable as 2 years old or older: the tall pine near the drive has since been felled, leaving only a stump, and the butterflies on the front of the house were promptly removed when I occupied it.

Aside about those butterflies: made out of wood and hand-painted  they have seen some years. Now, I'm not exactly a butterfly person. However, I saw my new neighbors, who I knew to be a couple in their 60s or 70s, had similar decoration on their porch. Here I thought I could make a good gesture and add to their collection. Turns out, I'm informed as I stand at their door, that the gentleman I live next door to actually crafted those butterflies himself, and they stood sentry on my house for multiple decades! I'm so glad they didn't judge me solely on that failed venture, giving them back the butterfly decorations that have been there for years, only because I'm a young punk kid with no taste!

This ad is in front of me, and Rambo - I mean, Stallone - is mumbling something incoherently on the screen as Jason Statham expertly slices and dices some nameless and country-less Asian thug stereotype into Julienne fries. So I do the only thing there is to do.

I answer the ad as a prospective renter.

Below is a transcript of the conversation, with little commentary interspersed here and there.

Me: I'm extremely interested in renting this house! Could you tell me how many bedrooms it has? Can I schedule a visit?

(I play as casual as I can, brevity being my weapon against giving anything away. I don't take the precaution of using a new email address, and the one I use can be matched to my name as property owner, if this scammer actually looked up public record. I did not think of retaliation until it was too late, so I just went with it.)

Gf Qw (the name of the respondent): Dear Friend,

I must confess that I am very very new in this landlord business..However, My name is HANNA DAVID,I own the house located at (redacted). is still available for rent at US$800 monthly, we request first month deposit and security fee of US$700 before move in, you can drive by the house, and if you like it you can write us back or if you have access to call internationally via this #+2347045690791. We just move down to Lagos, Am a Medical Doctor, I work for American UNICEF. I just want you to get notice that the keys are here with me in Lagos, you can only view the house from the outside for now! If you drive by the house you may see a sign there, you have nothing to worry about it belongs to our previous agent so you have absolutely nothing to worry about and you don't have to call them because they do not have access to the house anymore! In other to proceed on sending the keys and  document to you, I'll like to know few things about you and your family such as below:-

Air Conditioner Dishwasher Walk-in Closet Refrigerator Vaulted Ceilings Washer/Dryer Cable etc...

3 Bedroom 2.5 Bathrooms
Sq ft    2,343 
Pet Allowed.                             


                          RENTAL APPLICATION FORM

1. Your Name and Names of people moving in with you?
2. Age and sex of each person?
3. Your current house address / Cell number / home number?
4. What is the best time to call and why relocating?
5. Length of previous tenancy and occupation of each person?
6. Do you have pets and cars, how many? Please describe Breed, size
7. Do you run a business from home, If so what kind of business?
8. When do you plan to move in, please write exact date?
9. How often do you do your current house cleaning?
10. Are you a section 8 applicant?
11. Can we trust you and our house safe keeping in your hand? 
12.How soon can you put down deposit?
13.Do you work late night and do you smoke and drink? (We just wanna know don't get it twisted) no hard feelings

Please have this in mind that you are talking to a very nice and God fearing family, if you find any of our question inconvenience please don't be offended but answer it because we want and like to know the kind of family that will be living in our house from day one so nothing from them will be strange to us again.

Thank you and Stay Blessed.

(How fortunate! This house has all the amenities I would look for if I were on the market to buy a house! Oh, wait...)

(Ignoring the obvious breach of multiple anti-discrimination laws, there are plenty of other clues that this is a scam. I mean, Lagos is in Nigeria, and my late distant relative the Prince told me that everybody in Nigeria is trustworthy and honest! So I can wire that money over, right? Maybe I should call that international number on my own dime to ask some more questions, but nah, I'll just fill out this form they sent...)

Me: Hi Hanna!

1. Your Name and Names of people moving in with you? 
(Myself)

2. Age and sex of each person?
29 male

3. Your current house address / Cell number / home number?
(I give a fake address and my Google Voice number here)

4. What is the best time to call and why relocating?
Call any time.

5. Length of previous tenancy and occupation of each person? 
16 months. I work in IT.

6. Do you have pets and cars, how many? Please describe Breed, size
No dogs or cats (I start getting worried about retribution now. I don't want anybody coming after my dog as she plays in the yard).

7. Do you run a business from home, If so what kind of business?
None

8. When do you plan to move in, please write exact date?
Need a place by June 1, 2013

9. How often do you do your current house cleaning?
Weekly

10. Are you a section 8 applicant?
No

11. Can we trust you and our house safe keeping in your hand? 
Yes (SO tempted to answer "No" here...)

12.How soon can you put down deposit? 
Immediately

13.Do you work late night and do you smoke and drink? (We just wanna know don't get it twisted) no hard feelings
I drink occasionally but do not smoke

If you're in Lagos, how do I send you the money? Should I wire it or mail a money order?

Thanks!

Gf Qw: Thanks for your quick response about my house am very happy that am renting my house to a God fearing family and also i want you to know that your application form is accepted by us and you are welcome to your new home.....please once again i want you to take good care of the house as if is yours.

1) How long do intend to live in the house?

2) When do you intend making the payment so that i can forward you the detail that you will be making the payment to?

3)Are you ready to make the payment?

RE-CONFIRMATION OF THE DELIVERY ADDRESS :

RECEIVERS NAME?:_________________
DELIVERY ADDRESS?:_________________
RECEIVERS NUMBER:?_________________

Here are the contents of the document.

1) Entrance and the rooms Keys
2)Paper/Permanent house form(Containing your reference details)
3)The house documentary file...
4)Payment Receipt........
5)Full address and description of the.


NOTE: THE SECURITY DEPOSIT AND RENT IS REFUNDABLE IN-CASE YOU DON’T LIKE THE HOUSE.

Please note that the deposit and rent made is fully refundable should in case you finally gain entrance into the house after receiving the keys and documents and feel unsatisfied or uncomfortable with the interior,but i am giving you a benefit of doubt that you will love everything about this lovely and beautiful home and is ready for move in. And also i will like to act fast because there a lot of rentals are out there okay.

(How kind of them to offer a refund on my money should I not like the house I rented sight-unseen!)

Gf Qw (again): Thanks once for giving us assurance that you are going to take good proper care of our property and also i try to call you but you are not picking up below is the information you need to wire the money to us just locate any grocery store outlet or any wall-mart around and send the money asap so that the keys can be send immediately okay.

Here is the Western Union Information to send the Money in any Grocery Store..

Recivers name :HANNA DAVID
Adress (redacted) bungalow street

State :Lagos

Country:Nigeria

Zipcode:01234

text quest:TO WHO

Answer:My wife.

 Please get back to me with the information giving to you by western union.Which includes the following

Senders Name................?
Amount...........................?
City.................................?
State...............................?
MTCN #...........................? (MONEY TRANSFER CONTROL NUMBER)
text quest:TO WHO?
Answer:My wife.


Thanks we await your response...

Best Regards.

(I'm not sure about the Nigerian post but they have astoundingly similar zip code systems to the US! Oh, look, how lucky for Lagos to be in a zip code numbered "01234"! It's sure as hell more catchy than 90210!)

(Here's where I get a little squirrelly with them)

Me: I drove past the house and saw a truck in the driveway, so I stopped and knocked on the door. The guy says he bought the house a year ago and it's not for rent! It's the same house as the pictures.

What's the deal?

Gf Qw: Yes he rent the house a year ago but is rent is gonna due on the 10th of this month okay.

(Desperation to get my money sets in now)

Me: So I drove by on my lunch break again. The guy wasn't home, but it looks like the roof might be really old. The shingles look buckled and old. I'm afraid that it might even be leaking. Do you have plans to replace the roof this year? I would not want to rent it for a year if I'm going to have troubles this winter.

(I figured what the hell, let's make 'em sweat it out a bit)

Gf Qw: Okay you can change if it is linking and also once you repaired you will deduct your money from the month okay and now i want to know when you will making the deposit?

(English is getting more broken the tenser they get. These last emails were all rapid fire, nearly in real-time. I could imagine excited desperation in their words.)

Me: So the guy who lives in the house says he's owned it for over a year now and it's not for rent.

What's the big deal? Which of you is lying?

Oh, yeah, I know the answer: you are lying. I know this because I own this house, and I live there, and it is most certainly not for rent. 

You are horrible people. There is no honor in scamming people for money. Die in a fire and find whatever hell your religion holds for you.

(AND THE BOMB DROPS!)

Honestly, though, my conclusion wasn't as punchy and exciting as I thought it might be. I had in the meantime posted an ad in the same Craigslist page warning of the scam, with several more responses from people who had been looking for a house to rent, or who owned houses that are posted. I had posted a note on my door explaining how the house was NOT FOR RENT and I had even been told of my neighbors shooing away pesky snoops who were casing the joint through the windows! I had been in contact with a local Realtor company that explained how their properties were being listed fraudulently as well, but they were told that there's little to be done about it. I felt safe in ending the charade, confident I wasn't going to get anything more out of it than emails that make my inner Grammar Nazi cringe. I hadn't received a reply for a week. The jig was up and they knew it. On to the next property.

My finale was a feeble attempt to shame them (ha, as if!) and to provide some potential climax to this story, but it's kind of hard to come up with some insult that might be understood by someone in Nigeria! I feel that if they had any respect for honor, they'd not be scamming in the first place, but maybe they would understand "Go to hell!"

I've heard that it's really creepy to have my "privacy" invaded like this. I disagree; there's nothing "private" about it all, unless you count those folks peering into my windows. The information and photo of the house are out there on the internet from realty ads, and anybody could (from the street) take photos and peer into my windows without disrupting my rights to privacy.

Taking it a step further, I pointed out that I have a Facebook account, and Myspace before that. My life has been bought and sold wholesale for many many years. Anybody with due diligence could find out just about anything about my life, and guess what, we could do the same for you as well. I hold no illusions about the limits of my privacy. I'm as big an advocate for privacy as a man with a Facebook and a blog can be.

This episode does not even begin to approach the feeling of invasion I felt when my car was broken into a few years ago. Perhaps I'll tell that story soon, or any number of myriad stories that came from the three years I lived in the house on the alley between the ghetto and the bars. But for now, in my nice neighborhood with protective and caring neighbors, I'm quite secure and content in my house. And it is not for rent.

Unless you're a member of the Swedish Bikini Team.