Stay on Target!

It’s probably a damn good thing I worked in Electronics rather than the Men’s department during my 3 and a half years at Target.

A good fashion model I did not make.

Those of you that know me cannot argue: I’m a big man. I worked at this particular Target for 4 holiday seasons (like grizzled war vets who count their time in hostile territory by tours, our deployment dates were Black Fridays). I’ve always been as tall as I am now (a respectable 6’4”, just tall enough that the benefits (reaching the top shelf, and seeing the stage from the concert floor) outweigh the nuisances (every ceiling fan and door frame installed too low)), but I’ve not always been as heavy. Working at Target, I think I was probably around 280, maybe even 300 pounds, I don’t remember. Three summers of working at a Dairy Queen were not kind on my body. No, rephrase that: I was not kind on my body during three summers working at DQ. But free ice cream and soda (and whatever fries you could sneak out of the bin when no one was looking)?! I’ve actually held my head under the soft serve machine and cranked it open. I’m out of breath just thinking about how unfit I was. While I catch it, someone please tell that baby to kindly locate itself into my stomach.

The Target uniform of red and khakis were our own responsibility; good thing we get a discount at a department store that happens to carry red shirts and chinos! So I would wear the Mossimo short-sleeve polos and long-sleeve shirts the only way I could: like the Hulk exploding out of Bruce Banner’s street clothes. Sleeves ended well above my spindly wrists, collars comically tight and ultimately unbuttoned lest I asphyxiate. Chinos that push the limits of “fit” around the waste hung like a loose parachute off my ass, and though my legs are more tree trunks than tent poles, these pants still found excess fabric enough to house a small orphanage around my calf.

Between then and now, I had somehow found myself at 355 pounds (that’s 25+ stone, which has got to be one of my favorite units of measurement). If you worked at a fast food joint nearby during those years, I’m sure you saw me. I also ate junk at home. Those Little Debbie snacks I would beg the neighborhood nanny for at snack time? Shit, I went through Nutty Bars like Tyrion Lannister goes through whores (I started watching Game of Thrones recently, can you tell?)! Portions were always monstrous, and self-control non-existent.

If you’ve read any of my past entries, you’ll know I was a self-loathing Jabba the Hutt, and not even the cool Jabba from Jedi with sexy slave girls, the respect of Boba Fett, and a kick-ass Rancor to feed my enemies to, I mean an Episode One Jabba who has to live knowing he was shoe-horned into the film only to serve Lucas’ sucking at the teet of his fans’ wallets.

So let me fast forward a bit (which, kids, was the way we had to do it before DVDs and your DVRs) and move past the parts where I used alcohol and food as a crutch to hobble my way through unhealthy relationships and get to patting myself on the back.

Nearly two years ago I migrated my social news and discussion outlet from Fark.com to Reddit. I subscribed to many sub-reddits, among them both /r/loseit and /r/malefashionadvice, Reddit’s sub-forums for weight loss and clothing advice, respectively. I started making changes to my eating habits, and even more recently, started working out on a regular basis. I also learned how clothes should fit and realized that the shirts I require (19.5” neck, 37-38” sleeves) are only found in the Big and Tall section of stores, and are truly both “Big” and “Tall”. They are long enough to tuck in, but the shoulders reach middle bicep and I could smuggle basketballs out of a sports store inside them without straining the buttons (alternatively, because I’m not sure what provides the funnier imagery: I could stretch them out like batwings and sail through the air like a flying squirrel)!

Now arrives this delayed Springtime weather and I find myself in need of summer clothes. I’ve got frat-boy douche-shorts that I bought two summers ago, baggy plaid numbers with cargo pockets and cloth belts that came with each pair. They work well enough for 14-25 year olds, but I needed plain good-looking shorts that fit well and look adult. As I’ve lost weight and inches, I’ve been positively swimming in my shirts as well, so I wanted some solid polos and lightweight button-downs to wear for work that will keep me cool and still office-appropriate.

I was in town and wanted to scout out Target for their /r/mfa-approved Merona brand tees. I walked to the back with low expectations. This Target wasn’t “my” Target; it was the same address but the section I was shopping in was nothing but an empty shell of a building under construction when I was last there, working overnight guard shifts, doing Sudoku and playing Game Boy. Since those days, I rarely paid any attention to the Men’s clothing department. Sure enough, though, they had their Spring/Summer selection out and prominent: tees both solid and graphic, shorts galore, tanks and flippy-floppies.

I grabbed some shorts (46" being their largest size) and some tees and polos at XXL and headed to the fitting rooms. Shirts first: the tees were a bit too tight to be worn by themselves, and a bit short for undershirts, so I had to put them back. The button down collared shirt I had grabbed nearly fit well, but it was a bit short. To wear it I'd need to add another button as the lowest button was level with my belly button, and nobody wants to see my hairy belly hanging out below my shirt. No tucking this shirt in, either. But look, the shoulders fit well and it was slim on my body without hugging me tightly, so that was great! If they carry a XXL Tall on the website, those will be mine! My spirits started to lift. The polo next.... Bam! Fits damn near perfectly! The shoulders and arms have a little room to fit into as I build muscle, the length and fit is just right! Score! 

The shorts? 46" waist.... TOO BIG! I eagerly got dressed (another thing no one wants to see: a fat man running through a department store in his boxers) and ran back out to the racks to grab some 44" shorts. I put them on back in the fitting rooms and found a perfect fit! I can buy clothes at Target again!!

My future relationship with Target is starting to mirror the many times I broke one of man’s cardinal rules: once an ex, always an ex. However, this time I’m working harder than ever to meet my end of the deal, exercising and lifting weights to fit into regular-sized clothes again. This time I’m not going to go back to working there nor will I combine finances (Would you like to save 10% by signing up for a Target Red Card? – I feel that if I go to hell, it’ll be primarily for helping others ruin their credit ratings by whoring these cards out every day). And unlike my ex-girlfriends, my break-up with buying clothes at Target was a blame resting solely on my gluttonous shoulders. If I can keep this up, I’ll be able to buy more and more clothes there and hopefully not have to date more distant stores ever again!

There. 1300 words of patting myself on the back.